With Christmas now over, it’s time to revisit the classics

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Another Christmas has passed. Once again we got excited about the sparkling decorations, music and Santa’s cookies. But you know, the holidays are not very awake.

I mean, why is Mrs. Claus stuck at home while Santa is grabbing attention and going around the world? Why do we only see gingerbread “Men” and who decided that Christmas was, uh, “white?” So because we’ve evolved to the point where in order not to hurt anyone we lie, I reexamined these beloved classics through an evolved lens, to convince myself how wrong I was over the past six decades. .

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

Have you ever wondered who decided Frosty was a man? Was he called “male” at birth like a tiny snowball? Did the fact that he actually had tiny little snowballs convinced the doctor to declare him a fondant little boy? If so, it’s terribly backwards. We should all understand that this snowman may never have fully identified himself as a man. Maybe we should just allow Frosty to tell us who “they” are and experience “their” true identity in the forest. Because really, do puddles have an exact gender?

A NOL CHARLIE BROWN

I think all of us were deeply moved by Charlie Brown’s attempt to find beauty in this ugly little tree. Seeing him walking through the forest, ignoring all of these amazing creations and heading straight for this abandoned orphaned little shrub was incredibly moving. But after seeing women find their voices in recent years, I realized that I was supporting a man (okay, 5 year old boy) who had no respect for women. Lucy specifically told Charlie to find a beautiful tall, shiny, and flashy tree. Lucy was smart, she understood everything about Christmas. She was a great businesswoman. This is the lady who said, “Look, Charlie, let’s face it. We all know Christmas is a big business din. It’s run by a big union in the east, you know. And what did Charlie do? This chauvinistic white male, he ignored her. He got the tree he wanted. He showed her that his opinion didn’t matter. A total and utter lack of respect for his mind, his judgment and his desire. And then he basically gets her to compliment him at the end by agreeing that the pathetic little tree he chose wasn’t that bad. Typical male.

THE GRINCH THAT STOLE CHRISTMAS

Honestly, the Grinch, who is possibly the first non-binary asexual character in children’s literature (unless you count Humpty Dumpty, but that’s a Christmas chronicle) has always been considered a noble person because afterwards having stolen all these things that did not belong to him, including the roast beast, he gave it all back. He did this because his heart grew three sizes “that day,” which could mean he had an adverse reaction to the vaccine, but that’s another column. But what if he hadn’t returned everything? What if he had decided to keep everything, because he deserved it. He was a victim of society, and he deserved to have those things that didn’t belong to him. I thought about it as I watched poor Californians barge into high end boutiques and steal things that didn’t belong to them either, things they desperately needed like Hermes scarves, Prada bags, gold jewelry. and leather boots. These people, like the Grinch, had been left behind and forgotten, disrespectful and discriminated against because of their color (black, not green, but whatever). And so they had the right to steal these things, damn it! Which made me wonder why the Grinch returned everything. He should have been hanging on to snoofs, and linkers, fuzzles and pantookas, dafflers and wuzzles. He could have gotten great resale value for them on the street. I mean, haven’t they heard of the criminal justice reform in Whoville?

THE LITTLE GIRL WITH MATCHES

This story always made me cry, knowing that this poor little girl was going to starve and freeze to death on Christmas Eve. But as I replay it in my head today, I wonder why she didn’t just rent an apartment and make the landlord pay the rent, because the guy who ran the kingdom, Emperor Biden, didn’t would not have let the owner kick her out. Problem solved.

If only I had received a rousing upbringing as a child, I wouldn’t have been made to believe that Frosty was a man, Charlie was compassionate, the Grinch was righteous, and the Little Match Girl was doomed. I would have understood that the real fairy tales are happening right now, in 2021.


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